Sunday, May 22, 2011

BIFFO ALERT: BIFFO El Supremo, the POTUS, expected to arrive in Moneygall today around 3pm BE VERY AFRAID!

Garda Siochana were on high alert after Moneygall residents were terrified by the prospect of a thin, black man wearing athletic wear of as of yet unknown American street gang (green and gold are the colors) roaming the streets of Moneygall looking to skin a CAT, preferably of Kilkenny origin. See story below:

News Item: Offaly Independent News-Obama

Obama may "pass over" Moneygall; blames 10,000 maniacs

NEWS ITEM: Bad weather (RAIN AND HIGH WINDS) may prevent Obama from going to his ancestral "homeland" on Monday. weather

Obama, who must always assess blame for everything bad that happens, is debating whether to pin the blame on fellow Irishwoman Natalie Geraldine O'Shea Merchant and her 1987 hit "Like the Weather" .

UCC Professor Johnny Murphy Bows Down Once Again

Revision UCC historian Johnny Murphy jokes with the Queen about the burying of the Queen Victoria statue by Irish republicans.  In case you didn't know, Johnny Murphy came to the defense of the Black and Tans when "The Wind That Shakes The Barley" was released, saying that the atrocities committed by them were exaggerated in the film. RTE's Brendan O' Hehir responded with his satirical poem "The Gentle Black and Tan" (see below):


Come all you staunch revisionists
And listen to my song,
It's short and it's unusual
And it won't detain you long.
It's all about a soldier
Who has carried history's can,
Who dodged Tom Barry and Dan Breen
The gentle Black and Tan.

'Twas the curse of unemployment
That drove him to our shore.
His jacket black and trousers tan
Like a badge of shame he wore.
"Subdue the rebel Irish
And shoot them when you can!"
"May God forgive me if I do,"
Prayed the gentle Black and Tan.

The burning of Cork city
Was indeed a mighty blaze.
The jewellers' shops were gutted
Not before the spoils were shared.
Gold and silver ornaments,
Rings and watches for each man,
"But I only struck the matches,"
Said the gentle Black and Tan.

Croke Park and Bloody Sunday
Was our hero's greatest test.
The spectators on the terraces
Nigh impossible to miss.
With salt tears his eyes were blinded
And down his cheeks they ran,
So he only shot Mick Hogan
The gentle Black and Tan.

So take heed you blinkered Nationalists
Fair warning take from me.
If you want to live in safety
And keep this land at sea.
Take heed of our three heroes
Murphy, Edwards and Yer Man,
Who will sing the fame and clear the name
Of the gentle Black and Tan.

By Breandan O hÉithir
Related Link:

Ruth Dudley Edwards: I'm Proud to be BOTH irish and British

NEWS ITEM: Ditto sez SIR ANTHONY O' REILLY, Ambassador  Rooney's "Irish mentor". To paraphrase my Jewish brethren: "Oy Vey". One cannot have one's cake and eat it too, much as one may try. "I'm proud to be Irish and I'm proud to be British too

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Northern Ireland's First Ho Iris Robinson steps out again; sans boytoy

NEWS ITEM: NI Prime Minister Peter Robinson's wife Iris made her first appearance since the scandal involving a boytoy some 40 years her junior (Joan Collins sez: "you go girl") broke some 15 months ago.

Iris (I could have a shot at her as well) and her husband DUP leader Peter appeared at a state dinner for the Queen at Dublin castle in honor of her Majesty's historic first visit to the former crown jewel of the Empire.
The last British monarch visited Ireland 100 years ago, shortly before Michael Collins, Tom Barry, Dan Breen and a host of other merry Munster men sent that "shower of hoors" (a.k.a., the "Black and Tans") scurrying back across the Irish Sea just in time to attend the Princess Consort Lord Louise Mountbatten's annual Cambridge cotillion for all future British queens about to emerge from the closet.  Oh those were the days my friend, we thought they would never end, we'd dance forever and a day. we'd live the life we choose, we'd FIGHT and NEVER lose, oh YES, THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

Great jokes about IRIS at that time were told me by the world's wittiest bartender, Kieran Murray @ McGuinness' in that old 'RA stronghold, Sunnyside, Queens in NYC. "Lord of the Queens" CS(B)I the GasBag now runs a combo gin joint/bath house on Queens Blvd. Only a matter of time till Bette Midler performs in the back garden over the summer to re-live her early career.

First joke: Peter Robinson goes to visit the optometrist, complaining that something is stuck in his Eye-ris.

Second joke: Official statement of the Parades commission on the Robinson's affair: "You may bang her as long and as hard as you like so long as you march up the traditional route."

I must say that some of the wittiest people I have ever met are from Fermanagh; must be the lingering spirit of Oscar Wilde.

Charges Against ND88 Dropped; Arrested at 2009 Notre Dame Commencement Protesting Obama's Honorary Degree

NEWS ITEM: Charges Against ND88 Dropped by Prosecutor as Requested by the University of Notre Dame

The St. Joseph County Prosecutor Michael Dvorak has agreed to drop the charges against the 88 people arrested for peaceful protest in prayer over the awarding of an honorary degree to President Barack Obama at the 2009 University of Notre Dame commencement. The protest was over Notre Dame's contravention of the US Conference of Bishops' 2004 policy against Catholic Universities awarding honors to those supporting policies not in accord with Church teaching. The fine legal work of the Thomas More Society was responsible for this hard fought legal victory as Notre Dame was looking at a lawsuit as the deadline for filing approached.

Bill Dempsey (ND Class of 1952) and his gang at the  (Sycamore Trust) and Dr. Charles E. Rice (Professor Emeritus, ND Law School) were hugely supportive in rallying troops to support the ND88 in their long battle.
Check out Dr. Rice's book  ("What happened to Notre Dame"), which details the University's descent into secularization. His book is for sale at Amazon.

Bin Laden's Guns on the Ground; Should Have Heeded Bob Dylan's Advice

News Item: Bin Laden's Guns Found Unfired After He Was Killed

OBL should have listened to Bob Dylan's lyrical advice from "Knockin' on Heaven's Door": "Mama don't put my guns in the Ground"; perhaps he preferred the musical stylings of Johnny Cash: "Don't Wear Your Guns to Town, Son". Nah, in all likelihood, he was following the words of Maria Muldaur's 70's pop hit "Midnight at the Oasis" and "Sending His Camel to Bed" (could he have been far behind). OBL clearly must have drank too much of Obama's verbal Kool-Aid (the Cairo speech cow tailing to the Muslim world view), believing he was never in danger and would have received adequate warning through his "network" before he would be taken out by the US. Guess NOT, huh!

Ahhhh-Nold, You shouldn't have COME back while the maid was ovulating

News Item: Arnold's maid doesn't do windows but does do "the Sperminator"

Hondo, the sports-betting, prognosticating guru of the New York Post, had a good line from a column contributor who said: "Everyone thought Arnold would make Maria a Republican, but instead she turned him into a Kennedy".

Hey mister, how much for that lil' froggy in the cell?

Quips of the day RE: Dominique Strauss-Khan:

Former Kerry football great Donie O' Sullivan: "One would think that at his age he would be afraid to take YES for an answer.

Kissell NYPD's finest (retired 25 year veteran): It appears he was caught thinking with the wrong head!

Frogs Gone Wild; Forget Paris, It's Rikers Island for "The Busted"

I am sure that IMF head honcho DSK, as he has become known, is enjoying the wonderful hospitality of Riker's Island, where as Lenny Briscoe of Law and Order fame, once noted: "The orderlies will slit your throat for your IV". It calls to mind the title of the Billy Crystal/Debra Winger comedy romance "Forget Paris". How apropos.

Life Imitates Art, well actually, TV; KillingMeSlowly comes to Moneygall, County Offaly

The second season of RTE comedy Killinascully (created, written by and starring Pat Shortt, Ireland's greatest comedian ever IMHO) features an episode called "The Visit", where a cowboy like like US President  Mickey Madison (i.e. Bush) suddenly discovers his ancestral Irish roots in Rathmuff to deflect attention away from a brewing sex scandal (think Clinton and Ballybunion 1998). 

Now we have the Obama BIFFO Replacement Tour about to hit Moneygall on Monday, May 23rd. As Obama's helicopter descends on the local GAA field, he will become the penultimate "blow-in" in the history of Ireland.  Most visitors to Ireland tend to overstay their welcome (possibly David Norris, certainly Richard de Clare, aka, Strongbow). Perhaps this could be the inspiration for a TV series called "KillingMeSlowly", re-casting some of the prominent Moneygall locals in the roles of some of the Killinascully characters:

Oliver Hayes as Jacksie (Proprietor of An Bonnan Bui)
Mary Fanning as Sgt O'Toole (hawking souvenir merchandise to Yanks with more money than brains)
Henry Healy as Dan Clancy (pub know it all and raconteur)
Canon Stephen Neill as Fr. Phillip Eno (popular man of the cloth and promoter of all things Moneygall)
Special guest appearance by Bishop Kearney's corpse as "The Mummy"

Sounds like a hit series to me; might play big in the states as well.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Matt Engel of Wilkes Barres, PA (Rocket Ismail's hometown) wins the WIT OF THE WEEK hands down with his letter to the NY Post suggesting that among Bin Laden's porn stash was "Goats Gone Wild"

Offaly hurlers hit by injuries; Obama to tog out?



Hey FROGGY! Put Down that "Middle Leg"

NEWS ITEM: French IMF chief jailed on rape charges

First, let me state that rape is not a joke-worthy topic; that said, how can I as an American first, and a first generation Irish American, secondly, and  resist throwing this frog into the boiling water and cooking him.
Allegedly, the complainant stated that the accused charged out of the bathroom naked as she entered the room and shouted "I surrender" in German as he raised his hands. He then forced her to grasp what appeared to be something like a penis, only smaller. As Cindy Adams sez, only in NY kiddies. Then again, this could be good news for Ireland since they now have some moral leverage on the IMF to negotiate a better interest rate. In the words of Paaul Simon: One man's ceiling is another man's floor. Sale la vie.

Eirigi (Socialist Republicans) Protest Queen at Spire on O' Connell St

NEWS ITEM: EIRIGI Protests Queen

"They retreated down Henry Street where they were joined by the group from the Spire and the crowd moved to Moore Street for a rally. The crowd was addressed by speakers from Éirigí before making its way up Moore Street towards Parnell Street.
Not exactly unexpected but it reminds me of my last visit to Ireland (November, 2009) when I landed 36 hours after Thierry Henry's  hand goal.  As I headed for the Vodafone off O'Connell Street, I kept aking those soccer-loving Dubs this question: WHERE is ON REE Street? I was lucky to get out of there alive, enuf said.

USA: 7 out of 10 say high gas prices hurt! Shocking, gambling in Casablanca!

NEWS ITEM: Dog Bites Man (Yawn!) 

The other 3 polled who were unaffected by $4.50 plus per gallon for gas were NYC Mayor Mike (The Indifferent Billionaire) Bloomberg; Bloomie's transpo czar (a.k.a., the bike chic) Janet Sadik-Khan and some homeless (forgive me, SR (sleepin' rough) brigade member) camped out under the escalator in Grand Central Station. Only 17 months left till the "Annointed One" (a.k.a, Mr . GREENjeans) is sent packing and us energy-hungry SOB's can see some "green" (as in dollars) left in our pockets after no longer spending "Fitty" bucks fillin' our gas tanks. AMEN bretheren.

Obama follows Snow Patrol; IC Nothing Sez Croke Park "not identifiably Irish"

Seems that Aisling Redican @ Irish (see quote below) believes that Obama is not speaking at Croke Park because it is "not identifiably Irish enough". Where ITNOG (in the name of God) does D'Niall OD finds these "writers" who grace his pages? An insane asylum perhaps; such as St Patrick's Mental Hospital in Dublin, an institution funded by a bequest of satirist Jonathan Swift who once described Ireland as the world's largest outdoor insane asylum. 

"Originally Croke Park was to be the venue for the outdoor rally but fears that the stadium would not be filled on a Monday night and the need for an identifiably Irish backdrop have ruled it out" .

Monday, May 16, 2011

Promoter Hired To Organize Obama Gig

The Promotional firm MCD has been hired to promote Obama's Dublin speech on Monday evening, May23rd. Perhaps, both P. Diddy and/or Jimmy Rabbitte (of Commitments fame) were unavailable. Clearly, the President's advisers are worried about paltry attendance (the real reason Croke Park and its 82,000 capacity were mooted) at his sppech on O'Connell Street. Perhaps if Obama "just lays there" (to quote Snow's Patrol's "Chasing Cars" refrain) outside the GPO, 5000 or so of dublin's finest will stop and take a gander at the President on whose watch the US' economic performance could best be described by the county of his : "Offaly" (pronounced "awfully" for those of you reading this from the confines of the Hyannis compound). This calls to mind the scene in "This is Spinal Tap" when reporter Marty DeBergi (Rob Reiner) asks the band's Manager(played by English comedian Tony Hendra)  if  the band playing much smaller venues on the tour was an indication of the band's declining popularity; Hendra's response was one for the ages in terms of spin: "No we have just chosen to be selective in our fan base on this tour". Ditto for Obama and his BIFFO replacement tour.

Queen To Plant Tree; Black and Tans Planted A fair Number of Paddy Trees

News Item: Queen to plant Tree at Phoenix Park : Black and Tans planted a fair number of west Cork residents during War of Independence

Ah yes, life's rich ironies indeed. If one lives long enough, one sees things that they once would have considered unimaginable. Sadly, many of our fellow Irishmen who sacrificed their lives for the SAOIRSE did not have that same opportunity to see the changes that time inevitably begets. Let us remember them in our prayers, lest we forget the great debt we owe them; it is a debt that makes the Celtic Tiger "bill" pale in comparison. In the words of the immortal Thomas Osborne Davis, poet laurete of the Young Ireland uprising of 1848: For freedom comes from God's right hand, but needs an earthly train, and righteous men must make our land, A NATION ONCE AGAIN. Let us salute the memory of the irish locomotive of freedom.

Black Jesus feeds the starving masses! Hallelujah!

Since the main street "village" is not even half a mile in length, if my usually excellent memory serves me correctly, it is no surprise that "adequate" facilities are just not there to feed the masses that will be thronging to greet the "Anointed One". Perhaps , BO the POTUS can perform a miracle along the lines of Jesus at the wedding feast of Cana with the wine combined with the miracle of the fishes and the loaves to satisfy the hunger and thirst of the local BIFFO's and BUFFALO's, as well as the homeless created by the Celtic Tiger meltdown. Even Tipperary fans straggling north after the annual beat down by Kerry might expect to enjoy the largess of the man who promised to "heal the oceans" (how about starting with the economy first, Mr. President).

I don't know how many have ever read NBA great Connie Hawkins' biography Foul (written By Dave Wolf) where he describes a bus from Philly unloading at the Rucker tournament circa 1966. The last one off the bus is a waif-like figure wearing one Converse white high top and one Converse black low top; as he descends the final steps, the crowd begins to chant "Black Jesus, Black Jesus". One can envision a similar scenario when Barry Dunham (to emphasize the roots which cause him to visit the Ol' Sod) exits the helicopter Monday afternoon and suddenly the mass' thirst and hunger are satiated. Otherwise, the Moneygall visit may just be a background for a "famine re-enactment" theatre group; let's call 'em "Brian Cowen and the BIFFO Players". TO BE KIHNTINUED to quote an 80's music icon's album.